Will you be my Valentine letter, you filthy googling pervert?

Cast your mind back a year, oh typosphere, and remember what happened on my blog on Valentine’s day 12 months ago.

Actually, don’t strain your memory cells too hard… Here’s a recap: 
Last year, my tortured letter to the Valentine typewriter that I had repaired became item number 4 on google’s image search. As such, many love-lorn boys and girls came to read my blog looking for inspiration for romantic prose – only to find a blog entry on how I wished to smash my Valentine to pieces lady McBeth style.
Well, haven’t things changed in the past year!
This year….. Guess where I am.
That’s right…. I’m at number 3! I’m even beating Oprah’s love quotes. Again I seem to be torturing lovers everywhere, and deflating their libido with my post-repair angst. 
In the last 24 hours my Groma was almost about to be pipped by my Valentine for popularity. 
Well…. I can’t be deflating their libido that much. There has been a worrying trend in the search terms that have brought readers other than the typosphere members to my blog. Here’s a little screen grab:
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a very open minded man, and I like to think I’m rather worldly. Heck, I’m all for trying something at least once. Well, mostly… I’ll have to rule out keychopping.
But…. what the ****…. is ‘Platen Sex’? 
This is a serious entry. I see this in my search terms surprisingly frequently, so naturally I googled it myself and braced for the potential risk of seeing people doing things with platens that may be pretty much illegal in almost all American states. 
Oddly enough my blog about Ikea and their un-sexiness comes up as the second entry on google when you search for that term. But otherwise there’s pretty much nothing to tell me what on earth ‘platen sex’ is. 
I have a theory. And the theory is that certain pepped up and excited men have been trying to google ‘planet sex’, but have been so jittery with enthusiasm, or so illiterate that they have mis-spelled it with comical and unfortunate results. 
Either way, like the lovelorn that unfortunately have become trapped in the pitfall that is my blog when they’ve been looking for something else, welcome! If you’re going to put your feet up on the furniture, please take your shoes off first. And for those of you who are thinking of making yourselves a little too comfortable… keep your damn pants on. 

14 thoughts on “Will you be my Valentine letter, you filthy googling pervert?

  1. Well, ever since the Ames Repair & Breeding facility closed down, lots of typewriter owners are surely wondering where they can find responsibly-raised, young platens for their own machines. Perhaps they're looking into a do “it” yourself solution?

    Like the old joke: “I had an uncle who studied animal husbandry… until they caught him at it.”


  2. You're doing a good thing for the typosphere, inadvertently introducing all these unsuspecting lovestruck young folk to typewriters. As for platen s#x, everyone to their own I reckon. A wide-carriage platen probably works a charm as a spanker, provided you're into that sort of thing.


  3. Marketing 101 – Sex sells. I would hazard a guess that after generating cat memes the internet's primary function would be soliciting adult entertainment at breakneck ADSL2+ speed … and 'The Filthy Platen' does have a pornographic ring to it once you lower your mind to the gutter!


  4. Sex sure does sell. I've been mindful of the fact that anything with the name 'filthy' added to it, is likely to attract adult attention, but at first I wasn't so worried when I started blogging. It was only till later that I realised that nicer people were reading my blog than I expected, that it didn't seem to be such a good idea.


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